soundtarck of my life

waking up: massari .BE EASY ON ME ” arabic singer i got obsessed with in high school

first day of school: Boys 2 men , song ” lets not wait ” my friend in highschool name allie sang this in a talent show and made me freeze inside out.

falling in love: Tere der per sanam ” indian song that talks about one way street of love , i love old indian songs so this is one from 1996

Breaking up: Outcast ” i like the  way you move” i hated this song when it came out but my bestfriends abraham would always listen to it so he put it in my cd and lol i loved it later on

prom: Sami usuf “ya allaha” arabic singer religious song with beautiful beats he is saying the names of the god , downloaded it because i have a kindergarden crush on sami yusuf forever:):):)

life:marcos hernandez ” if you were mine” thsi song has bunch of memories it was dedicated to me in a very awkward moment in high school at lunch heheh

mental breakdown : Massari “real love” another arabic hottie with a great voice.

driving: TUM BIN indian song about a girl who loses her fiance in a car accident , love this song and the movie it was from i watched this movie 29 times already.

Flashback : boys 2 men” i am sorry “this song is one of my favorites it just makes me calm down and forget all the wrong things in my life.

wedding: Tum bin” jab se tum aye nazar mein ” song from teh same indian movie about how love happend at first sight , i dedicated this song to my aunt once when she was mad at me lol

final battle: J Holiday ” suffocate ” song that i wished every guy meant the lyrics as reality in life to them.

death scene: Fergie ” big girls dont cry ” i wish i was brave enough to know what she meant by that and how its possible to be that strong.

funeral song: massari ” rush the floor” this is a rap and slow song remix that i downloaded just to bug my brother he seems to hate massari and this song.

end credits: Sajan ” TU Pyaar hai kisi aur ka ” indian movie song about two brothers falling in love with the same girl, sad song makes me cry every time one of my dad’s favorites also

“The Rain man” 1988

the rain man was the movie that fell in my birth year, i saw the movie Thursday night and i loved it , i thought that the story was so truly based and everyone acted so great especially the face expressions, to me it was like water works i cried and cried i loved it i thought that there are people out there who might actually be in the same situation and will learn a life changing lesson just by watching it, and other who already have might have changed their values in life rather than putting a price tag on its worth. just nowadays most movies are not based on the humans lifestyle in moral or value wise they are based on the random things or high tech coming around but this movie covered every sense in its own way it showed mixed emotions, i love the scene when his brother and hid girlfriend are in the room and he walks in as if there was nothing to it, it showed how helpless everyone felt they all just made that scene so real…. as if it was not a movie . it deserved the Oscar , it made me feel so weird , i was trying to picture my self in that place how would i have been would i have been such a big burden? i don’t know but i had mixed emotions but i loved the movie, i am sensitive to almost anything so i guess this movie made a lasting impression, i think it made me realize that in the so called perfect world we see there are realities out there that we don’t deal with everyday life , but sometimes movies like this capture it and we can sit around and actually take a moment of luxury out of our lives and think about others and what they went through with or what they are going through just to keep our souls alive and our hearts don’t get cold.

a scent…….

There are so many colors, looks, features,smells,or even a smile we associate towards others , but sometimes we associate certain scents to people but sometimes also to places, thats the way it has been in my life the scent of sand or mud after it rains is the smell that takes me back to my past….. my country , the image the scent sketches is of Pakistan after it has poured heavily and now its green and their are people busy all around its just one of those smells that makes u forget what or where you are and takes you back to old times that reflect on your past, when it rains here and the trees are just left with a bit of dew on them and their is a slight scent of charcoal or sand we smell after it has rained its the same smell that reminds me of the time when i lived in Pakistan and every two weeks would go to a beach called” hawksbay”it was just extreme fun , thats when a person could actually say ” thats nature” you could smell the scent f mud after it had rained…and there was always this one old man who sat on the corner wall of the beach with a cart and sold lemon corns, it was corn on the cob he wood just peel it off and place it over a wooden hand made stove and than rub a lemon adn a type of chili sauce over it , all these smells just stuck in my memory , but the one that will never go away is the one of the sand after it rained.

Spring cleaning

I have always been the person who cleans up like crazy, but keeps little things thinking ” i will throw that away next time” although, that next time never comes. This year i did extreme cleaning at home to throw away and make space for new things , i found a brown box from a London based Cardin Pierre store at the bottom of a shelf in the closet that was covered with old documents , papers from clinics and a black box filled with Crayola’s i didn’t want to open the box but yet i did and there it was letters and notes from friends from the time i came to united states and notes from random people but than i saw the note that made me actually sit there and cry during my junior year a guy named will had passed away , i was not friends with him but a day before he passed away i had seen him and opened t eh door for him and said hiye , he replied and said thanks and that was where the conversation had ended and the next day we heard about his death in class. I had written his parents that i never knew a letter, as will was the only child, i wrote a letter and soon got a reply in a week and it said ” dear, anum strangers like you that took time out to write and divide the sorrow of our child’s pain has meant so much to us and we hope you will keep us in your prayers love teh winters” . i was so happy that they took time to reply to me on a personal note and they read it even though they had no clue who i was it made me happy and that day finding the box made me happier. it was spring cleaning for sure but it was also life cleansing it made me think so much about one good deed we do from our hearts and the response we get worth millions of deeds can change so much just be a letter of knowing that  people exist that know you by your thinking. The cleaning of taht book shelf  made all teh memories of my past just pop up from the letters that read ” anum i am hungry and i hate miss porter” to letters that said” you look pretty today and i missed you when you were sick, will’s family letter meant the most it was worth the cleaning i took it out and put it in teh middle of a photo album to remind ,myself that when i am hurt i cry liek a little baby and their pain was so much more but they had so much strength to write to me and make me smile.

…ON SELF DESTRUCT…..

I know, I know , after whoever will read this will find me like some psycotic weirdo but i guess… thats me.:)  When ever i am in a bad mood or have been stressed out to an extreme point i really do go crazy but when i do i take showers, not one, not two but three times that day it makes me calm down, although when i come out all i hear is ” she will never get married if she continues to do that”  ” you are not normal you have been in there for two hours ” “why do we need a 4 bedroom house anum lives in the tub”. I listen but never reply when my anger is out of control cold showers make me feel better i come out drink water and take out old photos of my childhood my country, it makes me realize what i have had in life and what i have lost, but it always seems to calm me down. Sometimes i think if i heard someone else did that i would be like “god what the hell is wrong with her looney chic” those would be my exact words but than again its me so i dont care  i rather do that than yell at other for what life threw at me and make them hate theirs .So if i am thanking god …water is on my list in  a heartbeat..and mankind thanks a bunch for showers they mean my world, and miss goldfarb trust me i am normal…atleast try to .

IF I WAS BRAVE….

I am a really sensitive person but i am also the type of person if someone is saying something about me i just “forgive and forget” and i really wish i wasn’t i really wish i had the guts to stand up and say don’t judge me or don’t sit and say stuff about me , but i donut i just sit and think oh well what can i do , its not like i am gonna take everything to the grave with me, but i have realized i am wrong i should have a high self esteem and let other know what i am , my opinion, my taste, i look at my mom who has always been quiet through the worst because she always says she knows god knows why should she prove herself, but people have taken extreme advantage of her , and as much as i didn’t wanna be her mini me and i have always told her ” mom , be confident who cares how you taste is if it dosent match theres?” but now i am like that ..scary..anyhow like for example my oldest aunt always seems to make a comment about me wearing makeup and her daughter not but she says it in third person, and implies it to me i hope i would have enough guts to tel her that worry about yourself not me, but i don’t i just sit quietly and come home and cry about it to my mom and say ” how come she is always after me?”and although my mom leaves it to god she tells me to answer my aunt back but not to disrespect her, and i always think why am i so scared of her? why do i get so nervous if she dosent like what i am wearing or the color of my new purse?”and than i wish god just if i had my fathers bravery , he can say things and be polite,  can be polite but never let what i am thinking out.It has cost me my self esteem to be below sea level but i am working my way back up soon i hope i will be above low water at least enough way to see a near by shore of life lending a helping hand.

IF ONLY…..

Life is full of surprises , and many moments of random decision making , i don’t regret many decisions i have made but just one that could have helped me out greatly my parents have always trusted me  in any situation in a any problem because they have always taught me that when a person is honest and sincere life do them good. It was summer of my junior year and my friend who not my parents were so fond off but didn’t mind me talking to decided to hook up with a guy , and me be the one to help her out since i had a class with him, so out of the dramatic waterworks she created and many oaths over “perfect friendship ” i descided and said yes. The guy himself was shy in class but not around girls or around his friends so i let him know what sh e had said and he siad he would write her letters and for e to give them to her since her parents wont approve of her talking on the phone….nervous at first and than later i said yes ..weeks passed  i would carry his letters in my backpack and give them to her over the weekend so she can reply. One night i had a argument with my father and he said he wants to see my work i do at home for school before i could reach he had picked my backpack and opened it , worst than a customs dog would search a drug filled suitcase, i felt hell come close, there fell the letters, i had never read them so i knew nothing to what was inside the folded peices of paper titled hottie” . ” Go call shan now !!! “my father said , my brother was called in ” read the letters out loud “. “Hey hottie, i wish your parents weren’t so strict , i cant wait till we  meet up i just got home now i am kinda buzzing but i went to that banging party and i was just thinking if we were together how good and fun it would be ” now my father was up and i was crying holding the door knob he approached , i was slapped harder than i can imagine , his eyes watery and he said ” thats what you do in school?wow what a daughter we raised ?should we buy drugs for u also ?” i felt my spine so sweaty” no..aha..no daddy ..mumma its my friends …mumma i..” but the letters had my name in    front so i gave up and cried , my father did not talk to me for three months living under the same roof . I wish i wouldn’t have kept quiet for someone else and stood up for myself till this day my father thinks they were for me he talks to me now , loves me the same way but every time i am called out for ” we wish you didn’t hurt us in that way” i have cried many times and told my mother but for them now its a joke they think i come up with. I wish that day i had stood up for myself and not just gave up, i would have my fathers trust and my mothers way f trusting me with everything. I don’t have a chance to earn their trust back because i know my father he dosent believe in that , but if only i had so much sense .